When the bad guy wins

Most everyone knows of at least one superhero, be it Superman, Batman, Thor, Captian America, or whoever. Super heroes keep the world safe from villains and their evil plans to destroy New York (let's be honest, it's always New York, you don't hear about Alaska needing saving, just New York.... And some times DC).

Unfortunately, though, there are not always super heroes to stop the bad guys in real life. Some times, bad people get away with doing bad things and live life without guilt or consequences and the victims are left broken with no justice.

So this blog is for everyone who didn't have Superman swoop in just before the bad guy got to them and are left wondering how to move past an injustice.

For years I've been holding onto a secret that I pushed way way waaaayyyy down that even I couldn't hardly find it. I knew it was there, but that was all. I told a few people when I felt I needed to, but I avoided it the rest of the time. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago I actually brought it to light for myself and started to really process everything and allowed myself to feel the emotions that came along with it. I never thought I'd ever really come out and say what happened and talk about how it's effected me, but that's just it, no one is talking about things like this. No one is coming out and saying how painful it is and how it seriously effects a person's life and stays with them for years and years. I think it's time someone spoke up, took a stand, made a difference, and shed some light on this topic.

When I was 13 there was this guy. I thought he liked me. I was wrong. Long story short, he molested me. 

I confronted him, he told me I was wrong, said I was lying. At 13 it made me feel so confused, I thought that if I said anything everyone would just believe him and call me crazy. At 13 I was in no way ready to face that and let that fear win and I kept quiet. 

After that, this person was still in my life until I was about 21. He had heard about a new job I got and asked me to use that job to further his career. He was only ever my friend when he wanted something from me. So this time I said no and he stopped talking to me. But since we were in the same industry there were times when we would have to work the same place. And for about a year I put up with it. Then I decided I would just take off the days where we would be working the same place. Until there came a day where that wasn't an option. I had to speak up. And to my surprise, the people at work I told were incredibly supportive. No one called me crazy or a liar. It felt so reassuring and uplifting!

At that time I still had no plans to go public. Not even on my radar.

Then the craziest thing happened. He tried to contact me.

He contacted my family saying he wanted to speak with me. Oh no no.

So, after making sure all my info, posts, ect, would still be private I sent him a message on Facebook simply saying to leave my family and I alone. Done deal. He said that he had changed, found God, and wanted to make things right with me. He wanted to apologize. I didn't buy it. I told him to tell me how he had changed. He gave me his life story about how he committed his life to God and made right his mistakes, was a new person, found a good supportive church, family stuff, all that good stuff.

Before I go any further, I'm all for people finding God! God is good, I love him, I've given Him my life and follow Him. I'm also all for churches and going and finding the one God wants you at. I also truly believe people can change and want to correct and make right their mistakes.

Okay, back to my story. 

So I told him that if he wanted to aplogize I'd believe it but I didn't trust him to remind him of what he did. He said he could take it and just wanted to make everything right.

So I took a deep breath and told him. I felt I needed to confront him about it, get it out, find closure, and end this once and for all.

At first he was real apologetic, wanted to know how upset he was that he had done this and wanted to apologize in person. To protect myself, I said I wasn't comfortable with that and he'd have to be okay with messaging. He kept saying I had to see how sorry he was. I was more then happy with just an apology and him admitting what he did.

A few hours later though he started thinking and started begging me to keep this secret. Saying that if his family knew he'd lose them. I told him that he needed to tell them, that was his responsibility, not mine. Thus the reason I haven't said his name.

Then a couple more hours and my worst fear became reality. He denied everything. Said that after he gave it some thought he felt like I was given wrong information. Said that I knew what I was getting into. Then suggested that I need counseling. Then continued to say I was wrong, I'm lying, and I'm crazy.

I told him to never contact myself or my family in any way or form again. A part of me wishes I had called him out. A part of me agrees with how I handled everything.

I thought that chapter of my life was finally over. 

But once I got thinking about it I realized that the day may never come that he actually admits to what he did. He may never feel guilt, he may never feel bad about it. There may never come a time where his life is affected by what happened. The bad guy wins.

I'm not going to lie, I was mad. So mad. It drove me crazy! Why should he get away with this?! That's not fair!! Why should he get to go through life never feeling the least bit hurt, guilty, or upset about doing that to me while I'm living with the truth?!

That's when I realized what I had.

Power.

I have the power to take revenge and force this to impact his life. A simple meeting, phone call, email. His world gets turned up-side-down.

And if I'm being honest, there have been times when I wanted that revenge. Even a couple of times when I planned on taking that revenge.

But that's not what I want. That wouldn't work exactly like i'd like and it could cause a lot of pain and damage to other people and to myself.

But I can use this story for good. I can use it to help those who are hurting have a voice. I can help others understand this pain and having to live with what happened.

So if you are reading this and you had something bad happen to you, I want you to know that you will be okay. You are going to come out stronger then before. You are going to come out of this a super hero. And if your bad guy got away, I'm so sorry. That wasn't fair and I know it hurts and can be so infuriating. But you are so much better then them. Don't let what happened define you, control you, or keep you down forever. Work through this pain. Cry, scream, break a plate, play a video game, paint, write a song about it, do something (healthy) to get out that pain and frustration, and keep doing it as long as you need to for you to work through it. If you need to talk it out go to a counselor, or find a support group. There are people out there that can help you with your specific story.

You can take this horrible thing and create a beautiful positive out of it. 

I hope you can learn from my story. Don't let someone make you feel like a victim. Stand up for yourself. You are a warrior and so strong. And don't let anyone make you feel crazy for trying to speak the truth, I know it can be hard and scary, but stand by the truth and what's right. And don't take revenge. I know. You may want them to suffer. But life will catch up with them. Vengeance is mine sayeth The Lord, trust Him. If you take revenge then you are no better then them and you'll just be hurting yourself more.

And on the off chance anyone I know figures out who I am talking about, please remember what I said earlier. I am not releasing his name publicly.

Dealing with body image

I want to write about body image because I feel this is something everyone can relate to and because it is all mental. Let's just be honest, how we feel about how our body looks is completely up to us. We can be influenced by other people, but ultimately it is our own perception and I truly think a lot of people struggle with this. 

I will gladly admit that I have body image issues. Like plenty of other people I think I'm overweight, even fat. It doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm not, for the past three years I've seen myself as fat.

Now, am I actually fat? No, not really. Overweight? Maybe slightly. Am I healthy? Yes.

So then what's the problem?!

Let's look at a few things that might contribute to why so many people have body image issues.

Lets first talk about pop culture. This is the influence that is talked about the most, and for good reason. If you open any popular fashion magazine, look at most celebrities, or peak a glance at a Victoria Secret model you will see what has become the standard for people to live up to. For girls it's to be a size 0 with no fat and still have great boobs. For guys (I'm kinda guessing here, since I'm a girl) it's to be slender and toned, like David Beckham. The problem is this standard is unrealistic! It's unattainable. And yet celebrities who meet this standard are praised, for a moment. The media is always at the ready to tear down these already ultra slim celebrities. So even for the people who meet this standard, it's still not enough.

I believe this rubs off on the average person as well. When we look at someone like Kim Kardashin, who has admitted to tons of plastic surgery to maintain her famous body, or Paris Hilton, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Guliana Rancic, who are beyond skinny, and say "they look great, I wish I could look like that" (or anything like that) we are starting to set that standard for our self and comparing ourself to these women who go to crazy measures just to reach this unattainable standard. Don't look to these kind of women to be a role model in your life. Look to people who truly inspire you to love who you are. And seriously, stop praising those women for meeting a rediculous standard, praise the women and men who love them selfs and are setting a good example.

Now let's talk about gossip and bullies. Another big factor for body image issues is when mean people say mean things. We can all admit that it stings when someone says something bad about you, either to your face or behind your back, still hurts. And that can really mess with someone's head and stick with them. When someone calls another person fat that can really hurt their confidence and may influence them to look at them self in a negative way. Gossip and bullying is it's own topic in it's self, but bottom line is, if someone is saying something bad about how you look just ignor it. If you think you look good then that's the only opinion that matters, own it, flaunt it! And all of you gossips, shut up and get a life.

Now a lesser talked about reason for body image issues is that May have been a real change in that persons body image. For me it was that I started gaining weight after the death of a family member, then again about a year ago. I quickly went from a size 4 to a size 8 then even quicker to a size 13. Suddenly none of my clothes would fit. That really can mess with how you see yourself. I've lost some of the weight, but I've noticed that how I see my self, my body, and my weight is different now. Most days I see all these areas of my body that has fat on it, or is too wide, or this or that, and I ended up just thinking I need to lose the rest of the weight until I'm a size 4 again. But why? Why do I NEED to lose any weight if I'm healthy?

The truth is I don't. What I need is to learn to be confident with myself and how I look now. I need to learn to love my body. I need to be proud of it.

I know this blog didn't have much advice, but I'm hoping that by just writing this and saying how I feel and what I see as bad influences someone won't feel alone or like something must be wrong with them. Because this seems to be an issue that a lot of people have.

And I didn't talk about it much in this blog, but if you or someone you know needs help with an eating disorder go to www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, there you can find their support line number or chat online with someone who can help.

Seeking help

If you are reading this blog I feel I can safely assume you 1) have a mental illness or are struggling with something, 2) you know someone who is or 3) are interested in knowing more about mental illnesses. For all three it is important to know that for anyone going through a tough time or having a mental illness there is help out there, you just have to seek it. So this blog talks about finding help and tips to help with your recovery.

For anyone struggling with a mental illness or tough time I would so highly recommend seeing a therapist.

 I know for some that could come with a stigma and may think "I don't need to see a shrink, only crazy people do that." Or "that would be embarrassing." And I know this may be heightened if you are in middle school or high school. But seriously, it's worth it. And no, not only 'crazy people' go to therapy. I'm willing to bet people in your life that you interact with everyday have gone and/or do go to therapy on a regular basis. And I really dislike that there is any stigma with getting help. If someone makes fun of you for getting the help you need then they are stupid, like literally, and not worth your time. Screw them. You do you and focus on what you need to get better.

Now, if/when you decide to seek out therapy remember this, there are tons of therapists out there and more then likely there are plenty in your area, so if you don't get along or like or feel like you will be able to trust the first therapist you meet, try another one. Also, don't be afraid to ask for a phone interview or consultation, this will give you a chance to talk with them and get a feel for them before going in to see them. 

Another tip I have is check out their web site (if they have one) or read reviews about them (if there are some). This will also give you an idea on what this therapist specializes in and what this therapist has delt with before. If you know what you are struggling with, for example I knew I wanted someone who had a specialty for anxiety and panic disorders, that may help you in finding a therapist.

All in all, therapy is, in my own option based on my own expirence, the best chance at recovery and getting better and staying better. 

While in therapy or if you see a doctor about what you are struggling with, they may suggest some medication. Now, I can only speak from my personal expirence, and I have found that some medications work, but while it may work it can be a pain, in my case the medication I took that was a pain was a pain because it made me feel numb, not happy but not horribly sad, just... Blah. It wasn't fun. But then I've also taken a medication that did it's job and wasn't a pain. 

When it comes to medication you really will have to sit down with your therapist and your family and do some soul searching and figure out if it's really for you. Everyone and every case is different. But one thing I would suggest is that if your doctor or therapist want you to go on a medication, do research on said medication before taking it. Know how it works, how it effects your body and mind, and know what the side effects are. Some side effects can be serious, even dangerous and life threatening, and really need to be watched for, so you need to be aware of side effects.

One thing that I've found that really helps in my recovery is keeping a journal. In my journal I track my feelings, thoughts, and panic attacks. I track anything I may want or need to bring up to my therapist. But at the same time it's really freeing to just release everything I'm going through and get it out in some form. And as you start getting better it's good to be able to see your progress.

If you don't want to carry around a physical book or paper, then you can be all modern and use your phone or tablet. There are apps out there for this. For thoughts and events I use a physical journal personally, but for emotions there are two apps I use, T2 Mood Tracker and Moody Me, both are wonderful and I've found to be helpful in tracking my emotions, which for bipolar is important to recovery. If you have any kind of mood disorder I'd suggest getting an app or journal and really keep track of what you are feeling everyday.

Lastly, if you ever find yourself feeling really down and/or have thoughts of hurting yourself, hurting someone else, killing yourself, or you just don't have any hope and you need to talk to someone call a crisis hotline right away! They will talk things out with you and listen and help you. This is Lifeline's number, 1-800-273-TALK, they also have a website, suicidepreventionlifeline.org, if you or anyone you know should need help.

My point here is, don't be afraid to find the help you need. You are worth it. Your happieness is worth it. There are plenty of options when it comes to getting help so you surly can find one that will work for you that you will feel comfortable with. You can do this. 

Keep fighting.

Stay strong.

Feeling alone and finding peace in that

Everyone feels alone at some point. It could be the first time your parents let you stay home alone, when you move out on your own, or even in a room full of people. But for anyone who's gone through a rough time, or in my case been diagnosed with a mental illness (or two, three), it can be a different type of loneliness. It's the kind where you feel like no one in the world understands what you are dealing with, no matter how much you try to explain it. That can be a hard thing to deal with and can make a person close up and want to be isolated. That's one of the reasons I wanted to create this blog, to unite people and help people feel like there is someone out there who might just understand and care. 

But something that has helped me is finding things to help me feel at peace even when no one I personally know seems to understand what I'm dealing with. The main thing is to find something that will inspire you to keep going, find happieness, and never give up. So, here are a few things that help me.

The first and most important is God. God has helped me through everything. And praying gives me peace that can't possibly be compared to anything else. He is always there to listen to me, even when I'm babbling on about nothing. That's the great thing, God's love is perfect and he wants to see us be happy. God's plan is always for our good, even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. He'll never leave, stop loving, or think less of His children.

Someone who I've really looked up to and respect is Austin Carlile from the band Of Mice & Men. All the quotes I've herd from him and even at shows he always talks about hope, love, and positivity. And if you know if story (if you don't I would goggle it) then you know how much he has been through which makes his positivity even more spectacular! As part of Austin, Of Mice & Men as a band is another source of peace for me. Their shows and music really lift my spirits and bring me joy. Granted, not all their songs are positive but that's the good thing. It's real to life. Not all of life is happy, that'd be too boring and easy.

Yet another person who has really helped inspire me and give me hope as of late is Demi Lovato. A couple years ago she went to rehab and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Even since then she has really spoken out about it and wants to help others who are struggling. It brings awarness and helps those who need help. It also helps those going through a similar situation feel like someone understands the struggle. I think it's really great what she's doing.

And lastly, something that has helped me is the fictional story of The Hunger Games. What helps me is that Katniss fights for what's right and thinks of her family and district before herself (most of the time). She has to face fear that was instilled in her since birth, a very powerful enemy that means to end her and anyone else against them which makes this task terrifying and impossible to most, but she still does it because it's right. Being brave and facing fears or just sitting by is a choice everyone has to face and it's inspiring for anyone (fictional or real) to choose to be brave.

Finding peace when you feel alone I think is important for everyone, especially those going through a tough time. Simply because of this, even with all the support in the world, when you are going through something tough YOU have to be the one to choose to fight through it, YOU have to choose happieness, no one can make that choice for you.

All pictures were found on Pinterest, except the one that I took.

What This Blog Is About and My Story

Today is a special day. I didn't even know it was a special day when I woke up today, but sure enough it is. Why is today special? Turns out today, November 30th, is Self Injury Awareness Day. You might be asking why I care or why that has meaning to me. Well, I've been hiding a secret from most people who know me for about a decade now. Truth is I've been struggling with self harming since I was 13 years old. Yes, I'm a cutter. But that's not the only thing I've been dealing with or will be talking about.

I want this blog to inspire and help people who are struggling with mental illnesses or who knows some one who has a mental illness but doesn't understand what they are going through. I want this blog to help people to not feel alone or strange or like there is something wrong with them and they should feel ashamed. If I can help someone by being completely honest about all the dark stuff, all the hard times, all the stuff I wish I could hide then it'll be worth it.
It's time someone spoke up about what struggling with a mental disorder (or a few) is really like and what it really takes to get better. We can do this. We are not alone.

This is my journey to recovery and getting better.

For this first blog I feel like I should share my story so far, catch everyone up.

As I mentioned before, I've been struggling with some major demons for a long time. Well, it all started when I was 13 and some not so great stuff happened. I met a guy (no names will be used, possibly ever) and well, (this is the hardest thing to admit to the world) I was molested. Yeah, not great. And on top of that, I thought I liked him and he gave me a pretty mean rejection. For a innocent 13 year old this was pretty devastating. I didn't understand what happened, I was really confused. I became depressed. It seemed like no one around me knew how to help. It was such a dark time in my life. I started cutting. I started to suicidal thoughts. Even though I was in therapy and on anti-depressants things just didn't seem to be getting better. I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and I ended up having a very dark moment (if you get my drift). But I got through it. Yes, it took time, but I felt better. But it would appear that not all was well with me. Fast forward to June of 2011. My Grandmother suddenly had a heart attack and passed away. It was a shock for my entire family and her friends. I was very close to her and her passing hit me pretty hard. I got really sad and felt very lost. Some friends didn't know, or didn't care, to help and since I was so close to these certain people it really hurt. In September 2011 I went to the hospital because my heart was racing and wouldn't slow down, I nearly passed out when they put a air mask on me because I was so panicky. The hospital found nothing wrong. But a follow up with a doctor explained it. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had a panic attack (I'll do a blog about those in the future). It took time and a lot of practice, but I learned how to hide and silently deal with my panic attacks. That's not healthy, by the way. I had some pretty bad attacks, some that even disabled me and left me feeling like a vegetable for a few hours afterwards.  But I got through it. Fast forward to September of 2012. My boyfriend suddenly breaks up with me after I tell him I had been feeling depressed. He said it was affecting him and I need to get over it (ladies, if a guy ever says that to you. Leave. You deserve better). After a couple of months I felt better and didn't think anything of it. Then June of 2013 I started to feel depressed again. I thought I'd be fine in a couple weeks or that it would go away, but it didn't. Months went by and I was just getting worse. I felt trapped in a deep dark hole and I couldn't climb out. I just couldn't figure out why I was sad. Nothing tragic had happened. Yet, I was feeling so depressed and sad. My boyfriend suggested I get help, real help. I started seeing a really great counselor and she is really helping me. It's a little chip off the mountain, but I was happy with the tiny progress we made. First we dealt with my panic attacks and I learned how to calm myself down (or how to have some one else calm me down) while I'm having an attack. I still have them, a good bit too, but its progress. After some weeks of counseling I still was feeling depressed and anxious and having many panic attacks, basically I seemed to be in worse shape then when I started. So my counselor suggested that I get my depression evaluated. So I met with a psychiatrist and that's when it happened. He diagnosed me with a Mood Disorder. He isn't exactly sure which exact one it is (Yes, there is more then one), But I'm putting my money on Bipolar. I had just been diagnosed with a pretty serious mental illness. Trust me, that was hard to swallow. At first when I thought it could be something serious I thought it would be a relief to be diagnosed, Like "Yeah, it's a real problem and I'm going to get treatment and maybe medication and I'll be totally fine and back to normal in no time. It'll be fixed if I get diagnosed." Yeah, no, I was way off. After talking to my psychiatrist I realized that this isn't any kind of quick fix. This will be a life long battle. I will have this disorder until the day I die. I will have to be on medication for years, maybe forever, to help keep it under control. This isn't going away without a fight, without a war, and I'll have to fight every day. Every. Single. Day. That's not something anyone wants. Just straight up, this sucks.
But, I'm not going to give up. Ever. I will keep fighting. I'm fighting for my happiness and for the hope of a good life. But I'm also fighting so that I can help other people fight. This is a battle no one should have to face alone. There is help out there and I for one will be taking advantage of it. And I'll be writing about what I find helps here so that other people can get help.

Keep Fighting
Stay Strong

(Also, I'll be adding pics or sayings or verses I find relevant to the topic I'm writing about, I found this one on Pintrest.com)