Feeling alone and finding peace in that

Everyone feels alone at some point. It could be the first time your parents let you stay home alone, when you move out on your own, or even in a room full of people. But for anyone who's gone through a rough time, or in my case been diagnosed with a mental illness (or two, three), it can be a different type of loneliness. It's the kind where you feel like no one in the world understands what you are dealing with, no matter how much you try to explain it. That can be a hard thing to deal with and can make a person close up and want to be isolated. That's one of the reasons I wanted to create this blog, to unite people and help people feel like there is someone out there who might just understand and care. 

But something that has helped me is finding things to help me feel at peace even when no one I personally know seems to understand what I'm dealing with. The main thing is to find something that will inspire you to keep going, find happieness, and never give up. So, here are a few things that help me.

The first and most important is God. God has helped me through everything. And praying gives me peace that can't possibly be compared to anything else. He is always there to listen to me, even when I'm babbling on about nothing. That's the great thing, God's love is perfect and he wants to see us be happy. God's plan is always for our good, even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. He'll never leave, stop loving, or think less of His children.

Someone who I've really looked up to and respect is Austin Carlile from the band Of Mice & Men. All the quotes I've herd from him and even at shows he always talks about hope, love, and positivity. And if you know if story (if you don't I would goggle it) then you know how much he has been through which makes his positivity even more spectacular! As part of Austin, Of Mice & Men as a band is another source of peace for me. Their shows and music really lift my spirits and bring me joy. Granted, not all their songs are positive but that's the good thing. It's real to life. Not all of life is happy, that'd be too boring and easy.

Yet another person who has really helped inspire me and give me hope as of late is Demi Lovato. A couple years ago she went to rehab and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Even since then she has really spoken out about it and wants to help others who are struggling. It brings awarness and helps those who need help. It also helps those going through a similar situation feel like someone understands the struggle. I think it's really great what she's doing.

And lastly, something that has helped me is the fictional story of The Hunger Games. What helps me is that Katniss fights for what's right and thinks of her family and district before herself (most of the time). She has to face fear that was instilled in her since birth, a very powerful enemy that means to end her and anyone else against them which makes this task terrifying and impossible to most, but she still does it because it's right. Being brave and facing fears or just sitting by is a choice everyone has to face and it's inspiring for anyone (fictional or real) to choose to be brave.

Finding peace when you feel alone I think is important for everyone, especially those going through a tough time. Simply because of this, even with all the support in the world, when you are going through something tough YOU have to be the one to choose to fight through it, YOU have to choose happieness, no one can make that choice for you.

All pictures were found on Pinterest, except the one that I took.

What This Blog Is About and My Story

Today is a special day. I didn't even know it was a special day when I woke up today, but sure enough it is. Why is today special? Turns out today, November 30th, is Self Injury Awareness Day. You might be asking why I care or why that has meaning to me. Well, I've been hiding a secret from most people who know me for about a decade now. Truth is I've been struggling with self harming since I was 13 years old. Yes, I'm a cutter. But that's not the only thing I've been dealing with or will be talking about.

I want this blog to inspire and help people who are struggling with mental illnesses or who knows some one who has a mental illness but doesn't understand what they are going through. I want this blog to help people to not feel alone or strange or like there is something wrong with them and they should feel ashamed. If I can help someone by being completely honest about all the dark stuff, all the hard times, all the stuff I wish I could hide then it'll be worth it.
It's time someone spoke up about what struggling with a mental disorder (or a few) is really like and what it really takes to get better. We can do this. We are not alone.

This is my journey to recovery and getting better.

For this first blog I feel like I should share my story so far, catch everyone up.

As I mentioned before, I've been struggling with some major demons for a long time. Well, it all started when I was 13 and some not so great stuff happened. I met a guy (no names will be used, possibly ever) and well, (this is the hardest thing to admit to the world) I was molested. Yeah, not great. And on top of that, I thought I liked him and he gave me a pretty mean rejection. For a innocent 13 year old this was pretty devastating. I didn't understand what happened, I was really confused. I became depressed. It seemed like no one around me knew how to help. It was such a dark time in my life. I started cutting. I started to suicidal thoughts. Even though I was in therapy and on anti-depressants things just didn't seem to be getting better. I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and I ended up having a very dark moment (if you get my drift). But I got through it. Yes, it took time, but I felt better. But it would appear that not all was well with me. Fast forward to June of 2011. My Grandmother suddenly had a heart attack and passed away. It was a shock for my entire family and her friends. I was very close to her and her passing hit me pretty hard. I got really sad and felt very lost. Some friends didn't know, or didn't care, to help and since I was so close to these certain people it really hurt. In September 2011 I went to the hospital because my heart was racing and wouldn't slow down, I nearly passed out when they put a air mask on me because I was so panicky. The hospital found nothing wrong. But a follow up with a doctor explained it. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had a panic attack (I'll do a blog about those in the future). It took time and a lot of practice, but I learned how to hide and silently deal with my panic attacks. That's not healthy, by the way. I had some pretty bad attacks, some that even disabled me and left me feeling like a vegetable for a few hours afterwards.  But I got through it. Fast forward to September of 2012. My boyfriend suddenly breaks up with me after I tell him I had been feeling depressed. He said it was affecting him and I need to get over it (ladies, if a guy ever says that to you. Leave. You deserve better). After a couple of months I felt better and didn't think anything of it. Then June of 2013 I started to feel depressed again. I thought I'd be fine in a couple weeks or that it would go away, but it didn't. Months went by and I was just getting worse. I felt trapped in a deep dark hole and I couldn't climb out. I just couldn't figure out why I was sad. Nothing tragic had happened. Yet, I was feeling so depressed and sad. My boyfriend suggested I get help, real help. I started seeing a really great counselor and she is really helping me. It's a little chip off the mountain, but I was happy with the tiny progress we made. First we dealt with my panic attacks and I learned how to calm myself down (or how to have some one else calm me down) while I'm having an attack. I still have them, a good bit too, but its progress. After some weeks of counseling I still was feeling depressed and anxious and having many panic attacks, basically I seemed to be in worse shape then when I started. So my counselor suggested that I get my depression evaluated. So I met with a psychiatrist and that's when it happened. He diagnosed me with a Mood Disorder. He isn't exactly sure which exact one it is (Yes, there is more then one), But I'm putting my money on Bipolar. I had just been diagnosed with a pretty serious mental illness. Trust me, that was hard to swallow. At first when I thought it could be something serious I thought it would be a relief to be diagnosed, Like "Yeah, it's a real problem and I'm going to get treatment and maybe medication and I'll be totally fine and back to normal in no time. It'll be fixed if I get diagnosed." Yeah, no, I was way off. After talking to my psychiatrist I realized that this isn't any kind of quick fix. This will be a life long battle. I will have this disorder until the day I die. I will have to be on medication for years, maybe forever, to help keep it under control. This isn't going away without a fight, without a war, and I'll have to fight every day. Every. Single. Day. That's not something anyone wants. Just straight up, this sucks.
But, I'm not going to give up. Ever. I will keep fighting. I'm fighting for my happiness and for the hope of a good life. But I'm also fighting so that I can help other people fight. This is a battle no one should have to face alone. There is help out there and I for one will be taking advantage of it. And I'll be writing about what I find helps here so that other people can get help.

Keep Fighting
Stay Strong

(Also, I'll be adding pics or sayings or verses I find relevant to the topic I'm writing about, I found this one on Pintrest.com)